I haven't updated in a while - maybe I'm just not as enamoured to the humble "blog" as I used to be. Meh.

Everything's notsobrill at the moment. My grandpa died the week before last, and even though it's not like he was my closest relative, I was worried about him when he was ill - I didn't want him to die. It's a strange thing, that I wasn't particularly close to him in life, but now I feel like I wish I did know him more. It's Bebe's fault really, that we were closer to her. I think she wanted to knock him out of the family altogether.

The funeral's on Friday. It's kinda creepy - I've never been to a funeral before. I don't know how comfortable I'll feel (not very, probably). But I s'pose we all have to do these things, and I want to be there.

RIP Eric Pestell, 1921-2006. :(

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This weekend has made me feel so weird. I don't know if I can really explain it, but I'll have a go. I'm wondering what my real feelings are for the following three people ....

First of all, Cat. I said I love her, but do I really? I know I care about her a lot, and I know I want to be close to her. If she was to ask me out, I wouldn't say no (in fact, "no" would be the last thing on my mind). Maybe if I did go out with her, it would answer a lot of questions for me. I was never sure of my feelings for her. It's been a long relationship, but it hasn't reached its climax yet. There are still things to sort, whether she knows about them or not. But I can't ask her out until I'm sure she'll say "yes" and mean it.

Then there's Steve. Spending those 24 hours with him really put me into doubts about my sexuality. Do I fancy him? God only knows. It wasn't like with Dan, one-night stand and that's it. I don't feel any connection to Dan, but I feel connected to Steve. But were my feelings about him, or just about feeling loved? Or maybe they were about ....

Pooka. I can say I never loved him and I never think about him and I don't give a frozen fuck all I like, but I can't deny that we had a good relationship (my cheating and taking it for granted aside). And that I miss it more than I'll usually admit. Why am I thinking about Pooka? Because Steve is so much like him. I felt like I had Pooka back for 24 hours. I couldn't have another serious relationship with him, but I could have him back for a day, or a bit longer. But to be honest, there's about as much chance of that as there is of me getting my op tomorrow and celebrating by doing it with Nikki from Big Brother.

This is so confusing. I shouldn't think so much. Shut up, brain!

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You know what? I had a bookworm! A real live bookworm! I've never seen one before in my life! I didn't take a picture of the worm itself, but here is its aftermath ....

The aftermath of the bookworm

Leaves nice tidy holes, doesn't it? Anyway, my room is tidy too. This doesn't happen often. But here it is, proof of this rare event ....

Tidy room

Even the floor is clean! This is where I had biscuit crumbs for around a year ....

My clean floor

All from my crappy camera phone, apologies for low quality.

Hmm. My room smells really funny now it's clean. Cat said she likes the smell of my room - is this it? Or does she like it dirty? (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!!)

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Overall, today wasn't brilliant. I had nearly double the calories I had yesterday, and no exercise to burn them. I don't think I'll get a Sobranie tomorrow, I'll probably wake up and weigh 93st. Well, I look as if I weigh that much. Enough about food and weight and all that, it's just depressing because I can't imagine that I'll ever be thin. Also, if anyone, at all, ever reads this, you probably want to read something a bit less boring.

But then, that is how my LJ started out, I was truly obsessive (and truly pukey - both literally throwing up, and pukey as in that I was pathetically in love) back then, and loads of people read it and loved it. But then, I did have loads of interesting stories to tell about college (I thought they were interesting at least).

Listening to "Lola" by The Kinks now. Good song. Jan / Eve from the Embrace board sent it to me, as a result of the "PM something nice" thread. I don't talk to many people off the board (apart from, obviously, Shaun because he's mah mate), she's one that I do. I wish more boarders would get talking to me, but I'm a bit scared of starting conversations with people I don't know well. I also haven't talked to a non-boarder who's the biggest fan of a boarder, that being Martin, for a while. We used to be, like, really good mates, talking on the phone about grey pubes and things, but now we just don't connect.

Anyway, not much else to say. I just felt like making an entry, really, as I want to get back into posting regularly. No point in having a new journal and not posting in it is there?

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The pics are now up! :) (woot, my first Vox picture collection)

Sandy Balls / Burley / Poole July 2006

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Hello, it's me again. Well, who else? Now for a post on my uninteresting day.

In the early hours of today, the evil bingemonkey got me. It's that bloody biscuit bar, I can't resist them. I only had five chunks of it, but still, that's 163 calories. I've got the rest in my drawer. I should throw it out, but then I'd be wasting a biscuit bar wouldn't I? And I'd feel even more guilty wasting it than bingeing.

Anyway, onward with today. Heather (my support worker) really gets on my nerves, but she takes me out places which has three uses - 1. I get out of the house, 2. I get exercise and 3. I can use the old "eating in, eating out" trick, which is quite useful. We went to Walsall today, I got a new Living Dead Doll, a new top and some Sobranies (which I'm going to use as a reward - if I lose a pound in weight, I can smoke one that day). Oh yes, and some condoms. That was SO funny. I was flirting with the girl at the counter at Boots, I asked her if she thought these condoms were any good. That's the reason I bought them, for a dare - but you never know, they might come in handy .... ;)

Back home now. Should be doing something useful, like writing my novel. Maybe I will.

PS. The monkey is metaphorical. I have no monkey. Only cats.

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Hello world!

I thought I'd try out this new thing. My LiveJournal and I just don't connect as well as we used to. I like the look of Vox, it's pretty, and seems to be able to do more than LJ can, even though I've got a permanent account an' all the trimmings over there. As for MySpace - well, I'm only on there because everyone else is on it. I like the look of Vox, I think I'll stick with this for a while until I get bored, hehe.

Anyway. I am Ben. I am 20 years old. I am British. I drink lots of tea.

Read "A Tale Of One Kitty" and find out more! ;)

PS. I have two Vox invites. Let me know if you want one.

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