flaming red heart.

This weekend has made me feel so weird. I don't know if I can really explain it, but I'll have a go. I'm wondering what my real feelings are for the following three people ....

First of all, Cat. I said I love her, but do I really? I know I care about her a lot, and I know I want to be close to her. If she was to ask me out, I wouldn't say no (in fact, "no" would be the last thing on my mind). Maybe if I did go out with her, it would answer a lot of questions for me. I was never sure of my feelings for her. It's been a long relationship, but it hasn't reached its climax yet. There are still things to sort, whether she knows about them or not. But I can't ask her out until I'm sure she'll say "yes" and mean it.

Then there's Steve. Spending those 24 hours with him really put me into doubts about my sexuality. Do I fancy him? God only knows. It wasn't like with Dan, one-night stand and that's it. I don't feel any connection to Dan, but I feel connected to Steve. But were my feelings about him, or just about feeling loved? Or maybe they were about ....

Pooka. I can say I never loved him and I never think about him and I don't give a frozen fuck all I like, but I can't deny that we had a good relationship (my cheating and taking it for granted aside). And that I miss it more than I'll usually admit. Why am I thinking about Pooka? Because Steve is so much like him. I felt like I had Pooka back for 24 hours. I couldn't have another serious relationship with him, but I could have him back for a day, or a bit longer. But to be honest, there's about as much chance of that as there is of me getting my op tomorrow and celebrating by doing it with Nikki from Big Brother.

This is so confusing. I shouldn't think so much. Shut up, brain!